Suffice it to say, we all yearn such kind of love, regardless of whether we’ve felt it or not. It’s a deep-seated unmet need we all seem to possess—or should I say, endure—and we often let it set up our parameters for social interaction, bonding, and love. And thus, unconditional love has become a quality of virtue—you’re good so long as you love your kids, spouse, sister or friends, unconditionally.
I want someone to love me just the way I am, no matter what—that premise seems to be in the back of our minds; however, do we really grasp the significance of such need? Or, better put, do we actually intend to receive unconditional love from someone or to love them unconditionally?
Here are some thoughts you might want to factor in. The first one is simply understanding what unconditional means: indeed, it’s basically something not limited in any way, without conditions, ergo, consequences. So what unconditional love really means is loving—or being loved—void of boundaries, in spite of anything deeply hurtful or otherwise unacceptable. It could very well mean to opt out of falling in conflict when you should fall in conflict. Considering the whole range of the spectrum of the phenomenon, it can also mean to sabotage yourself or someone by not doing anything when you or someone feels undignified.
That doesn’t sound reasonable, does it?
Wanting unconditional love from a person means to not want any pressure or expectations on you. On that note, it may not be actually love what you’re looking for; rather, validation and acceptance, as loving is more convoluted than validating or approving of someone— love equals actions, not merely interpretations—. To want unconditional love translates into craving an unconditional relationship, and to truly love someone means to recognize conditions of both parts.
When it is about a committed relationship of two people alike, laying down the conditions and standing by them over time may be a smooth process, but when two people have opposite values; i.e., lifestyles, personalities, priorities, it gets extremely challenging to maintain an equilibrium. That means low compatibility averts the possibility of staying together in the same relationship configuration and be fulfilled. Conversely, high compatibility ensures that what you are, in overall, benefits the other person.
Truth be told, your primary parter may be the least person you’d get unconditional love from, as much counterintuitive as it may sound, on the grounds that they are the person who has the most skin in the game—the person who is more directly affected by the decisions you make for yourself; what you are, say, or do. For someone to love you unconditionally, they’d have to disconnect themself from you and not feel threatened by any misbehaviour that breaches one or many of their established conditions, which would not be a healthy deal.
A primary relationship will always be a cocktail of pressure, joy, expectations, and commitment, and as much disheartening as it may be at first, the idea of loving conditionally actually paves the road for a healthy relationship—if your conditions align with your partner’s conditions, you’ll both feel respected, appreciated, validated, accepted, and ultimately loved, which is what you initially signed up for.